The Grammy Awards 2014 ft. Beyoncé

Beyonce-Jay-Z-Grammys-2014 So, Beyonce.

Wow. Okay.

Questioning the wet hair look. It’s supposed to look like that? Are you sure? Something about it screams 90s RnB a little too loud. But obviously she pulls it off, she’s Beyonce.

Dat ass doe.

Beyonce’s twerking and somewhere, Miley is crying… where is that little piece of work anyways?

If you don’t have a crush on Beyonce you’re asexual. Fact.

Jay Z comes out and we’re reminded how untalented and uncool we all are.

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. They’re dancing together.

Que self loathing, Victoria Secret Fashion Show style.

No Taylor Swift. Stop. Stop

Taylor Swift hears surfbord and thinks Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush. How cute.

So, did Beyonce just win everything? Can we just give her and Jay Z every award?

LL Cool J is still wearing one of those dumb ass hats and I’m severly questioning the dark purple velvet suit jacket.

LL  calls out Taylor Swift for writing songs about everything guys are doing wrong. Thanks, boo.

Anna Kendrick and Pharrell present for Best New Artist, I like her. She’s kind of making fun of Beyonce and Jay and I don’t hate her. Impressive. I think it’s because I like her Twitter account.

I start praying- ABM. Anyone but Macklesmore.

Nope, he won. Macklemore beat Kendrick Lamar… further proof you can’t depend on professionals for good music taste.

Macklemore just looks a little off, right? Something about him? No? Maybe I’m biased because I can listen to a total of ten seconds of one of his songs on the radio before I’m forced to change it because the song is too annoying.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Show Lorde sings Royals because we all haven’t heard that song enough.

She kinda creeps me out.

I think it’s the jerky arm movements.

Jesus, this girl can sing though.

Don’t you hate when a 17 year old is playing the Grammy’s and you’re 24 and have 9am class tomorrow and you’re trying to make a dinner out of eggs, peach rings and diet coke? No, that’s just me?

Hunter Hayes? Am I supposed to know this guy? I don’t know if I can handle the twang in his voice. I stared at a picture of Beyonce and Jay Z on Instagram during that entire performance.

Best Pop Duo comprised of every over played song on the radio. Daft Punk wins and appear in full masks and dabs each other- can they talk in those?

Nope, can’t talk. Pharraell looks like a gangster RCMP with his brown hat and red jacket. pharrell-mountie-grammys-gi Katy Perry does some freaky black magic perfromance and I can’t help but notice the similarity between her and  Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.

Why is she dancing like that? Stop dancing. Just sing and bounce around for the boys.

I struggle to watch her musical theater performance, it’s all just a little too produced.

rs_634x1024-140126174843-634.Katy-Perry-GRAMMY-jmd-012614 Juicy J comes out.

Yes, please.

Katy is pole dancing on witch brooms. She’s crazy. I’m convinved she’s top ten craziest bitches on this planet. She just gets this look in her eye and I know.

Burned herself at the stake. Yup, called it.

Chicago performing with Robin Thicke. My mom is definitely loving this.

They play Blurred Lines and this version of the song is remarkably less annoying that the radio version, or maybe it’s Robin Thicke’s baby blue eyes that make this more tolerable.

The lady said there is a performance by Taylor Swift that I don’t want to miss, I beg to differ.

My attention span goes and my roommate places a bowl of white cheddar mac and cheese in my face so that won over John Legend singing something sensual and Paul McCartney winning something, again… still.

Taylor Swift turns another break up into a musical. Shocking.

She’s hair flipping while playing the piano, a whole new level of thirsty- country girl style.  I hate how much I like her dress. I’m such a sucker for sequins and shoulder embellishments.

Pink is back on these ropes, she apparently is still attending Cirque du Soliel school inbetween recording sessions. Anyone who thinks she can sing while hanging upside from the ropes and spinning about needs to give their head a shake. Ashley Simpson started a trend- proudly lip syncing.

Wow, Pink is certainly working on her strength and conditioning If I had that guy as my partner I think I’d get pretty into it as well.

Where’d he go? No, no…. who is this moustache with a side of hipster?

Ariana Grande is so cute. I love her. She reminds me of a real life Lyla Garity.

Best Solo Performance: Morticia Adams, I mean Lorde.

All I can look at are her cheekbones. She’s a witch right? We can all agree on that?

As I stare at Ozzy I’m reminded what hard drugs will do to a person.

As I listen to Ozzy I question whether him and I speak the same language.

Is that English? I decide that texting is more important than this next performance by Ringo Star.

Jay Z wins best collab.

He then says thanks to “the regular things” and the light in his life- Beyonce. Jay Z and I share the same light. He tells BIC he got her a gold sippy cup.

Pardon?!

LL gives a shout out to Def Jam. I like this.

Kendrick and Imagine Dragons. kendrick-lamar-imagine-dragons-4-grammys-2014-show-650-430 BACKSEAT FREESTYLE.

Kendrick is killing it only to bring it back to life and kill it again. The amount of talent this man possess is unmeasurable.

NO TAYLOR. Stop thinking you’re rachet. Go bake me a spice cake. Why does her publicist let this happen? She’s embarrassing herself.

I can’t get over Kendrick. This reminds me of Linkin Park and Jay Z with their mash ups, except with the modern day equivalents- Imagine Dragon and Kendrick. I’m crying.

If this performance doesn’t prove Kendrick is a legend in the making then I don’t know what will.

Poor country girl has to follow up that performance with only a guitar and fake lashes.

She does not bad…I like her dress.

Wow, there is another hour left? I don’t think there’s that much good music going around these days… we could probably cut this down to an hour and a half.

Julia Roberts (she doesn’t even go here) introduces Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr’s performance.

Does Paul McCartney think just because he’s been knighted he can rock a mullet? Wrong.

I zone out for a bit but come back in time to see little Bruno Mars scurry on stage but not before being dwarfed by Taylor Swift in a hug.

He gives a good guy speech. Typical thanking family n shit.

Lifetime Achievement: Willy Nelson. Is he going to make it through this performance? Those. Ears.

I zone out again and come to when TAYLOR SWIFT IS DETHRONED. She doesn’t win best Country Album for the first time since ’97 it seems.kacey musgraves I’ve been waiting for this moment. I knew I liked that little brunette rocket.

Pharrell performs with Stevie Wonder, Nile Rogers and some other over fifty guys while Kate Perry gives that creepy stalker smile in the audience.

I’m losing interest in this pretty fast.

I think they gave Beyonce and Jay Z the front row so they would have room to dance.

Daft Punk pops out and the song shifts into Get Lucky.

I strongly question most of the dance moves of the celebrities in the audience.

Sara Bareilles is rocking cornrows. I haven’t seen those at the Grammy’s since Justin Timberlake. She’s singing with Carol King who is actually a boss and you have to respect that lady. However, the hair decisions of Miss. Sara are concerning at best.

Morticia wins another gold sippy cup.

The rest of the show melts into one long clip of rock music and continual questions racing through my mind like,  “Who actually likes Metallica?” and “Why is Pharrell aka the RCMP Grammy Representative the unofficial acceptance speech giver for Daft Punk?” I put Macklemore on mute. I can’t stand him.

You know when a television series first starts and the first two seasons are so good. The pilot is amazing and the plot throughout the first couple of episodes is thrilling and exciting. Then as if the writers just lost their imagination like Miley lost her self respect- some random shit starts happening. Suddenly there are wolves, an alternate universe, and someone is someone else’s mother…. That’s how I feel about this show. Suddenly I look up and un-mute the broadcast to find  Queen Latifah and Madge are declaring couples married while the backdrop changes to stain glass- right because the church is a big fan of equal rights.

Daft Punk wins Best Album and the robot men return to the stage. My friend later shows me a picture which captures  the two guys who the world thinks are Daft Punk sitting in the audience, so that would mean the men accepting these awards aren’t Daft Punk at all. Interesting idea. I like the let’s fuck with the system scheme.

The show finally ends and Yoko Ono is tossing out more peace signs than all of the sixties combined. She’s on par with Lorde for giving me the creeps. However, I checked out of this show somewhere between Pink’s circus performance and Taylor Swift once again getting more airtime at an awards show than any other celebrity, including Ryan Seacrest. 56th GRAMMY Awards - Special Merit Awards Ceremony Final thoughts: Less Taylor. More Beyonce. Always Kendrick.

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