Bitches Love Clean Eats

I’m a carnivore. I love meat. I’d eat a hamburger for breakfast, fish tacos for lunch, and sausage for dinner. Okay fine, with brown sugar and honey carrots for a side because when covered in honey veggies aren’t that bad. I eat Wendy’s at 11am and #addbacon is my favourite hashtag on Instagram. Needless to say, I’m not what one would call health conscious. I like good food. I like foods that make you close your eyes because you need to focus all your senses on the taste. I want creamy sauces and savoury cheeses and salty cured meats. However, I am not the norm. No, no. These days even Beyonce- the one God in this world went Vegan for 22 days. REALLY?! Come on, Bey, eat that fried chicken and mac and cheese. But no, the cool thing is low carbs, no sugar, trans-fat free, gluten free, low sodium, and every other adjective that literally translates to tasteless. You want taste? Cook with butter, babe.

However, you walk into any condo in City Place that costs more per square feet than most countries annual GDP, and you will see a certain number of staple foods. There are some trends hitting the kitchen as heavily as fur and leather accents hit street style this passed year. Just like how lobster took over summer menus, it seems we have some new fav ingredients when it comes to bitches cookin.

1. Quinoa

 quinoa

These little guys. Quinoa is perfect for bitches. It’s almost cute (can you call food cute?) in its little bead like form that only has 172 calories per 1/4 cup. That means you can eat two cookies without any guilt sweetie! Good job! Bitches love cutting calories. It’s loaded with protein and vegan and vegetarian friendly so the quinoa market in places like Ossington, Kensington Market, and Oakville is obviously booming. So booming in fact that in South America people can no longer afford their precious quinoa, the main protein in their diet, because it’s such a trendy food in North America. Great, so vegetarian housewives are robbing Peruvian farmers of nutrition. See, do gooder, not too good now.

In a sentence… “OMG. This quinoa and tomato salad is sooooo good. It just fills me up. I’m stuffed.”

2. Avocados

avocados1

Okay, if you don’t like avocados you need to reassess your life. These creamy, green veggies are delicious. Obviously I turn this semi healthy snack, apparently it’s filled with “good fats” whatever the fuck that means (pretty sure fat means delicious) by drenching avocados in salt, and lemon juice before piling it onto a bacon sandwich. Apparently bacon is not a “good fat.” But the problem with these guys, and the main reason that bitches love them is that they play hard to get. Just like the boy at the bar that looks you straight in the eye and walks away, the avocado is at the right ripeness to eat for what? Like 3 hours before it’s overripe? Girls love that shit. Playing hard to get is one of our favourite things. Then it seems instead of bringing a casserole filled with cheesy goodness anytime there’s a potluck or a dinner party, bitches are bringing guac. Going to the cottage? Making a dish for a barbecue? Guac. Bitches love their guac. They think they have the best recipe and will look you in the eye so ferociously when asking you if it’s the best you’ve ever had, you’ll have no choice but to agree with her or give up your right arm and all the nachos.

In a sentence… “I’LL BRING THE GUAC!!!” *hair flip*

3. Kale

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Wow. Dat kale life. If kale farmers ever need a marketing slogan for kale it should take after Frank’s Red Hot and use “You can throw this shit in anything.” Kale has about as many benefits to eating it as the number of people jammed onto the 504 King streetcar at rush hour, and trust me, that’s a lot of reasons to eat it. So, blame the benefits, but bitches love kale. They make kale chips with garlic and olive oil and eat that with a side of water for dinner. They throw it in their salad and put it on gluten free wraps (what?! really?).  I’m not saying it’s bad to eat healthy, I’m saying if I see one more kale salad on instagram I’m going to drown myself in a green smoothie.

In a sentence… “I just threw in a few kale leaves into my salad this morning. It’s so easy!”

4. Green Smoothies

blisstree-green-smoothie

WHY ARE THERE GREEN SMOOTHIES?! What happened to orange and pinks and deep purples. These days, the main ingredients in smoothies are kale, almond milk, flax seed, protein powder and maybe a strawberry or a banana. Gone are the days of smoothies for treats. These days, smoothies play a different role. Smoothies aren’t delicious dessert substitutes anymore. No, smoothies are now made of random healthy shit blended together because Canadian Living tells soccer moms it’s a meal replacement on any one of nine different diets that outlaw carbs, cheese and bacon aka ruin your life. They’ve even taken on a different name that yields a more health conscious idea: the shake.

In a sentence… “Oh, I’m not going to order anything, I just had a shake”

I understand I’m probably the ignorant one being stubborn about changing my eating habits. By eating copious amounts of kale and drowning yourself in a blended salad I’m sure you’ll live a healthy five years longer than me. That’s okay, I’ll be over here with my smoked meat sandwich on sourdough and a Diet Coke. I’ll leave the quinoa to the South Americans and stick to my steak- medium rare please.

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